Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Author:Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2015-04-07T00:00:00+00:00

So let’s say through your kids’ lives you’ve managed to pull off meeting a few fun moms and now you have a real circle of friends. Or at least a semicircle. Okay, a curve. The point is, you have a friend. Now you can just sit back and coast until retirement, when you can hang out in the common room at the assisted living home bragging about your grandkids and cheating at bingo, right? Not so fast. Women’s friendships aren’t like men’s. Women’s friendships require upkeep.

Men crack me up because a man can make a friend in junior high, see him all of four times since then, and still consider him one of his closest buddies thirty years later. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years and I still sometimes hear about a “good friend” of his I’ve never ever heard mentioned before. A man can also consider another man a “good friend” when he doesn’t even know the most basic information about the guy. Ask him when his friend’s birthday is, if his friend is planning to have kids, if he’s happy in his marriage, and he’ll say, “I don’t know. It never came up. We mostly talk about cars.” Seriously, there are men who can consider another guy a friend without even knowing his name. That’s why so many guys call each other bro.

Female friendships are much more delicate than the male variety. Women are high maintenance. If friendship were like the military, women would have to remain on active duty while men could stay in the reserves, sometimes never once getting called to battle. Very little is expected of men in their friendships, but women want you to return phone calls and texts, like that day, and to actually get together every so often—I know, tedious, right? Which is why the best mom friends are geographically convenient. A next-door neighbor is ideal.

But it is nearly inevitable that the second you become extremely close friends with someone who lives nearby and with whom you have plenty in common, they will suddenly decide to completely change their lives and move to Montana. “We’ve always wanted to live in Big Sky Country! We’re going to build our own house and let the laundry air-dry on the line outside. We won’t even have to have jobs because it’s so inexpensive to live there that we’ll be able to survive strictly on our new Etsy store! I think we’re just looking for a slower pace and Montana is such a beautiful place to raise kids. Plus, I’ve always wanted little Claire to know the joy of her own pet alpaca. You guys should totally do it too!”

You will feel betrayed and be sad. But don’t go crazy and follow them to Montana, no matter how bad the school system sucks where you are and no matter how amazing your friend’s new converted farmhouse looks in all the photos. Look, I don’t care that they got twenty-five hundred square feet on two acres for two hundred grand.

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